3 Weeks Already?..

So much for keeping up with the blog!  Life has been rolling along here at shaggyboystown.

When I first started this blog, I called it shaggyboys because my then, younger boys..had such long, shaggy, in their eyes, hair. The boys have grown. They no longer aspire to look like Jedi Knights and Pokemon characters. One even wears business casual to work with his short hair and everything. My..that happened fast!

I also started this blog after the death of a dear friend. My friend Leticia lived life fully. She never did anything extravagant. She could blend into a crowd fairly well. But she had a laugh that was contagious, a strong sense of compassion for all who came into her world, and loved her family with such ferocity...it was humbling. Leticia knew her life would be short..and she treasured every moment of it. Good and Bad. She was (and still is) well loved. She enjoyed living.

So when I am asked what I blog about, I have no real answer. Other than...you know..just day-to-day life. Because it is this day-to-day stuff that makes us who we are. Not the high points..or the low points. Just the small stuff.

What is some of the living that has filled our days?

First I would like you to meet my Uncle Yates and Aunt Nancy. They are part of my North Carolina family. My Aunt and Uncle came to visit. It was nice to see them. They hung out a lot at the River Walk, visited some of the small Hill Country towns..and spent an afternoon with us.

But let me set the tone as to just how generous this visit was. We had hoped that they could come out for a day..do some tubing, play in the river...hang out in town, and we would end with a Cajun Crab Boil. Yup. That was the plan. But then we had this drought thing happen. So river? Hmm..we have a puddle? Then of course is that heat we keep talking about.

Last week Eric (Mr. Eric is a friend who is currently living in our tree-house and helping me get our house in order for day-care) and I were sitting on the deck. We were like hey..do you feel that breeze? Did it cool off? It feels kinda nice...and then we looked at the thermostat.

 What can I say? We have acclimated?

So no River Play..extreme heat...and wouldn't you know it? The town was almost empty. Almost unheard of on a weekend in The Cowboy Capital of the World.  But regardless, here are Yates and Nancy in front of the General Store.   Why? Because they wanted to prove to a friend they were in Bandera!

My Uncle took some other pictures while they were here. Since he is a much better photographer than me..thought I would share.

 

Horses in town, cooling off in the shade

 

A few longhorns looking for anything green

We return home to just hang out. Here are Uncle Yates and Levi.

We enjoy, yet another, Cajun Crab Boil. What can I say? We like Cajun food around here.

During the past few weeks..we also celebrate my sister's "pinning" . She has completed her nursing program. Now she studies for (drum roll please) THE BIG TEST....

It is time to prepare for the next Kairos weekend at one of the local prisons. I spend time helping prepare for team-buildings, etc.

We continue to pick away at what needs to be done to legalise what my friend Jack refers to as Rancho Rugrat.

The co-op parents and I finalise curriculum plans for the motley highschool crew. We agree on TRISMS revolutionary studies along with an eclectic mix of stuff for Marine Biology and Stack the Deck writing program

We squeeze in a pretty invasive (but pleasantly successful so far) eye surgery for another family member. I continue to pick away at this afghan for Cody. Have I mentioned before I do not know how to crochet??? Well...7 months into it and I am no better.

Similar to my friend Leticia who triggered my desire to blog. I have a dear friend who has recently chosen to admit herself into hospice care. I first  met Pat at my Women and Spirituality..turned Book Club..that sometimes forgets to read..Club. Our women and spirituality.. turned book club..that sometimes forgets to read club meet by Pat's bed in the hospital. If she is too tired we meet in the waiting room. As usual, we laugh, we ponder, we cry.

We help finalise funeral plans. I meet with the local funeral home to help make arrangements for Pat's funeral. Pat is very clear about how she wants to leave this earth..and we are trying our best to honor her wishes.

In the midst of all, our family celebrates Big B's birthday with ice-cream cake!

 

 This evening Big B and I are going out for our 21st anniversary. Our anniversary is actually not until Sunday..but today? We can enjoy ourselves and not feel like we are ignoring work that needs to be done. Quite sad..don't you think? 

We are doing our annual thing. Spending all our restaurant gift-cards in one evening..and ending with appetisers at Chilli's. 

We bought ourselves some used chain-link fence..complete with all the hardware. We are spending our anniversary weekend putting up fence posts! Now that? That is day-to-day living.

Of Tots and Teens...

We have spent the past couple of weeks slowly revamping the house to prepare for a small handful of tots (think infant, toddler tots) in the Fall. As we create "tot space" we are simultaneously keeping space aside for the teens in our tiny little homeschool co-op.

It is crazy, really. This need to provide separate spaces...knowing full well..that tots and teens do, and will, mingle.

We are off to a slow start on the revamping process. Our back deck needed a lot of work. But it is done!!!! We now have one large tot-safe back deck complete with 3 locking gates. One of these gates will open into...deck #2. Deck #2..which will lead to the pool (also with another gate). Deck #2 is the official teen deck. It is not built yet.

But this separation of tots and teens is not limited to the deck. Dining? Oh..how about the dining room table for the teens, the kitchen for the tots? Inside space? Tots can hang in the living room, kitchen and morning room. Teens? The den and dining room.  Bathrooms? Tots in the hall bathroom. Teens in our master bathroom. Outdoor space? Tots in the enclosed part of the yard (still needs to be enclosed, by the way) Teens to the open part of the yard, pool or tree-house.

It seems so unnatural to create space in our home this way. Yet I understand the legalities of why...and I know full well..that on Monday mornings (when co-op meets) Tots and teens together will be in our kitchen/dining room to grab muffins, play with eachother and live life as it should be. Even if only for a brief moment before the craziness of the day kicks in.

But hey..both the little people and the big people do have official spaces to call their own now. Cody and Levi both seem to think this is a good thing.But for a homeschooling mom that often resisted a separate space for the kids learning to happen, this is a pretty big step.

In theory anyway, while the teens are editing eachothers essays in the dining room? The tots can play outside on the deck. While the teens discuss revolutions in the den, the tots can parallel play in the living room.

But all this separation nonsense aside, they are too much alike, these tots and teens. I mean let's face it. While tots (or tot as the case may be) pretends the flyswatter is a vacum cleaner? (we have an unused fly-swatter ..I promise) A teen vacums. While the tot pretends to cook a teen actually cooks. While a tot decorates himself with a marker, the teens decorate eachother with the same marker.

And then of course is food. Toddlers and teens actually have similar diets. Fruit, muffins, oatmeal, popsicles, cheese, etc. But diet and behaviour are  just the surface similarities.

It's the inside stuff that really intrigues me. Little ones learn to share. You know, real basic share your toy kinda stuff. The teens? Are learning to share ideas, thoughts, feelings. Just as the tots are learning to communicate verbally, the teens are learning to communicate through the written word.

But most important of all is the art of  nurturing that is being absorbed. Babies are held and nurtured. Toddlers are held and nurtured. Teens are listened to and nurtured.

In imitation of this nurturing the tots practice by nurturing a doll, a stuffed bear, etc. Even if only for a few moments before running over said bear with a truck. But the teens! The teens not only nurture the tots..they hold each other in that sacred space of listening. The teens I know see themselves and others as beings worthy of their time and attention. Even if, sometimes especially if, they disagree. And that valuing of others is something we, as middle aged adults, sometimes forget how to do.

So as the tots and teens in my house spend the summer laughing, crying, playing with swords, listening to music and sleeping...sleeping....sleeping.... Big B and I continue to plug along at home remodeling.

You know..so we can all-tots, teens and adults- share a muffin together.

Still June

It is hot. Like abnormal even for South Texas hot. We have been in the triple digits for a couple of weeks now. The county (along with numerous other counties) has been declared a disaster due to drought/fire conditions.The electric company asks that we lower our power usage (turn up ac temps, etc.) during the peak hours to avoid power outages because it is TOO HOT. We are no longer swimming in the river. It is too stagnant.  We swim only early morning or in the evening. Too hot to be outside. It is still June.

So...we develop new things to do. Inside. I suppose this is what happens during snowy season in colder climates. That is the rumor anyway. Personally? I have never lived anywhere cold enough to be homebound. But home-bound for heat..we have visited a time or two before. Just not so early in the summer.

This morning Bug and I make soup and bread. Cody awakes and steps over our small toddler table. Our table surrounded by a lovely bean (from the soup) and flour (from the bread) explosion.

What he asks..is this?

Dinner. I respond. Cody looks at Bug covered in flour and dough. Don't worry...I separated his dough from the rest. Cody still looks sceptical. The bread that is rising is safe. He grunts in reply before he finishes making his breakfast.

I join Cody at the other table - the bigger people table- as Bug pushes a tricycle across the kitchen floor. I am savoring this time with Cody. He is leaving soon. August 20th, to be exact.

This past weekend Big B, Cody and I attended the parent/student orientation at Schreiner. Payment plans are finalised, health forms complete, etc. He is now officially enrolled. Cody even has his Fall classes and is now figuring out which text-books to rent, buy or e-book. All Cody has left to wait for (other than actual move-in) is his room-mate assignment. He will know in early August.

I remind myself it is still June.

You know says Cody you really should get him a walker.  

I have images of Cody at Bug's age. Pushing a big wheel..a big wheel with a bucket on back where he would stash all his treasures. Treasure mostly being rocks and cheerios. No walker.


I watch Bug (still decorated in flour) pushing the trike over a shoe. A size 13 gigantic shoe - must be Austen's. Bug stoops down and places the shoe in the bucket. The bucket  filled with beans.

I look at the young man in front of me. Cody is now washing his dishes before leaving for work.  Cody says again...walker?? 

I look at the two of them...Bug with the beans in his trike. Cody heading out the door.

No. I respond. He will be just fine. See ya' for dinner? 

Cody nods his head and says See ya' tonight.

I am grateful it is still June.

My Little Sabbatical Over?

It has been a little over a year since I quit working at the Boys and Girls Club. It was a year I had set aside to discern, breathe, discern, study, discern..rest. A sabbatical of sorts. You know.. the unpaid kind.

I had thought, when I started this little breather, that I would use this time of discernment to finish the parish ministry program and choose a path. Either running a non-profit  or pursuing parish ministry. In the end, I have done neither.

Life has a funny way of working out. We have had the addition of a few nephews and grand-nephews to our extended family. Some need occasional-or more than occasional- care.I enjoy being an aunt! I have 2 young men who are starting new educational paths..one in graduate school at a large state university, one his undergrad at a small liberal arts college. I have one older teen left at home who will soon be taking classes at a jr. college part-time while simultaneously finishing high-school at home. We have built a garage attached to our home. It always has cars being repaired. These are the obvious changes..then are the not-so-obvious.

I remembered how much I really enjoy the daily craziness of home-life. I am reluctant to give that up. I stumbled into some volunteer work for the chapel of a local prison. I LOVE this! I am not willing to give that up. Our Monday night community dining has continued to grow and be a cornerstone in our week. I am not willing to give that up.  I have had to acknowledge that I really like having a houseful of children. Young and old.

These are a few of the things I have discovered (or rediscovered) about myself in the past year. The biggest thing though..is I have discovered I am just not a cool and glamorous person. That no matter what career path or life direction I choose...I'm not going to be one of those ultra-pulled-together career women. I admire that pulled together, business-like quality in many of my friends. I really do. But it's Just. Not. Me.

I have also discovered who I am. I AM a woman who enjoys living. Who enjoys people, music, art and time for reflection. A bit of a tom-boy at times..who cares deeply for others.I have a vivid imagination, and enjoy the creative process. I love watching that aha moment when children are discovering something. I enjoy play.

So I look at who I am..and say..Now what do you do with that? What sort-of life do you carve from here..that allows you to live the life you really want? A life of family, friends, children and prison-ministry.

So after much discussion with la familia we have decided to open a registered family home care center out of our home. This is not as impulsive of a decision as it may seem. This allows us to continue all the things in life we enjoy. As well as share the craziness of home-life with others.

We chose registered care over licensed care because I do not want to get in over my head with too many children. Registered keeps us legally bound to a smaller number of children..and allows us to keep the feel of a family center vs. just a center. Keeps it more organic, so to speak. This is a decision that allows us all to continue to grow and learn and have a little fun.

That said. This is no easy feat. Because..well we have a pool in our backyard, huge barbecue set-up, chickens, a working garage, and a handful of homeschool teens expecting to be around this Fall. We must carefully remodel our indoor and outdoor living conditions to make sure we have enough square footage for everyone.

Having the homeschool co-op on Monday mornings is one of the trickier parts of this whole ordeal. We run background checks on all the homeschoolers. Luckily this is more your milk and cookie group of kids. Hmm..they probably wouldn't appreciate that. This is more your Italian ice and a biscotti group of kids. Also? A pretty easy-going group of teens.

We make sure we have separate space for them on Monday mornings. Rule #1..No shared space for groups. (sigh) So to the den (and deck and unfenced parts of our yard) for the teens! Lucky for me this group is pretty laid back.

I take some classes, have home-inspections..maybe a fire-marshal visit, etc. You know.. to allow life to go on.

It is a bit of a hassle, but it keeps every one safe and legal. I am spending much time with the child-care licensing office to make sure I am keeping things legit. And I have to say..the woman at child-care licensing is infinitely patient with me as I stumble through this set-up/ get legal process.

This whole experience is reminding me just how many rules we have here in the West for EVERYTHING!!! Just a few weeks ago Austen and I were killing time at the neurologist office when he looks at me and in a very serious voice says, You know Mom, for a free country, we sure have an awful lot of rules. Between everyone's fear of lawsuits and every law written what exactly are we free to do? What does freedom mean? Really?


Of course..this led to discussions on living in  rule-bound societies, the privileges and freedoms we do have, etc. And like I mentioned a few posts ago..since we were in the office for 5 hours we had time for a fairly lengthy discussion.

Austen's commentary has run through my mind many times in the past few weeks. But still. If following a zillion rules is what it takes to create a more natural and free-flowing home environment. Then we (ahem) learn the rules.

So for all practical purposes..my little sabbatical has come to a close. We hope to open the doors for Casa de Amigos mid-August. Only time will tell if we are so lucky!

Summer Begins (in Pics)

It is the beginning of summer. We are creating new rhythms-yet again. The boys work, work, work, and play Catan. Here are Brian, Cody and Austen (without the dreads), playing their 4th game in less than 24 hours.







This leaves me and Bug to create our own summer routine..and the kid needs his routine! He is quick to let us know if we miss something..so we start with play of course! Bug plays until I have a cup of coffee.









Then? Breakfast on the deck before we hit the sand








Which is usually followed by a nature walk, lunch and then..to the RIVER!!!

 This, of course would be followed by a much needed nap! Then?

We clean.....








and do laundry......







                                         

and SWIM AGAIN!!!!

This time we just hit the pool in the backyard. Sometimes one of the boys will join us. They are way-more-fun than Aunt Nicole. But no matter who swims in the afternoon..the afternoon swim is not complete without

one popsicle to be dripped all over the mushroom house. The awesome mushroom house which now has a huge hole busted through the side of it. Why? Because according to Levi..it seemed to need one more exit.

Then we are back to..more play!














  
And of course dinner would not be complete without  help. Here Bug is helping Uncle Brian in the kitchen.




 It is true..I usually interrupt the little man's cooking ventures when the whining sets in. Then it is time for a bath, p.j.'s and finally...

dinner with the family.

Our day, our week..and quickly turning into our summer..to be followed on the weekend with the older kids.

and more Catan!!!

Judgement Vs. Discernment

I have been dwelling on the idea of judgement quite a bit lately.

It started as I was attending a recent Kairos weekend...and later just plain old worship at the prison. I  watch these offenders, many of whom are from rival gangs, come together. They put aside their judgements and biases..and form a community together. It occurs to me, that if they can put aside these differences and celebrate eachother for who they are. Then surely, surely, I can put aside my own biases, and quit trying to lump people into some category or another. You know.."republican, conservative, religious right, etc.".

I REALLY need to stop that.

Then? We have an issue with Austen and working at Girl Scout camp.Austen is hoping to travel to Australia next summer and needs to work to help pay for the trip. He was hired to lifeguard..and needed a physical for camp.

But nothing in Austen's life is ever that easy. You know says the P.A. who is filling camp form, What does your neurologist say about you lifeguarding? Does he know?

Absolutely! responds Austen.  I've life-guarded for the past two summers...and I've been seizure free for over 3 years now.

She continues the physical and says..You are healthy!..but I just can't release you to life-guard. Have your neurologist fax a letter. It's been less than 5 years...I'm not comfortable with you lifeguarding. We need to make sure you and the girls are safe.

Austen looked stunned. Then smiled and said Well thankyou. (put out his hand to shake hers)I'm sure he will.

 So the next day we call the neurologist. You know..says the office head I think he should come in for an appointment before he goes.

So she squeezes him in on Monday. The day he is supposed to start training for the summer.We call the camp director to let her know what is happening. She tells us not to worry. Just get there as soon as we can, and call her if he doesn't get cleared.

I spend a couple days worrying about Austen. Austen and I realize that this is a liability issue. It is possible he won't be cleared. We agree to hope for the best. To pack his bags as if he is going and if he doesn't get cleared, come home, unpack and call the director.  I start wondering if going to Australia will also be a problem. I can't, after all, control other peoples fears and concerns. I have enough trouble with my own.

Austen, however, is much stronger than I give him credit for. He has already thought it through. Don't worry mom...it's not your fault. 

Not yours either kiddo. 

I've been thinking ,says Austen, If I can't work at camp..then I think I'll work at Flying L. I'm pretty sure they will re-hire me...and if I do get to go to Australia (so he too has thought about this possibility) then when I get back I'd like to start Brazillian capoeira. (in other words..if I can't I'm working on a back-up plan to enjoy my life)

And then we go to the neurologist office. I'm not going to blog about how we spent 5 hours in the waiting room. Along with all the other patients from Texas, Mexico, Arkansas, Oklahoma and Louisiana. But the truth is, when you spend a day with other families, you start to talk. Everyone in the waiting room was intrigued by Austen's circumstances. He offered hope to those who are still struggling with seizures..yet he reminded everyone of the biases that will never go away in the lives of our children. The literal scarlet S these kids will always wear. Yet he was smiling, and pleasant and funny. He made the best of the situation.

When our visit was over a woman from the waiting room gave him a thumbs up with a questioning look? As I paid our co-pay, Austen returned her question with a big grin and two thumbs up..and then? I kid you not. The waiting room cheered!  I cried.

So Austen is at camp. Hooray.

And I continue thinking about biases. Then a Buddhist-Christian yahoo group I belong to has this huge thread about judgement vs. discernment. We challenge eachother to go through ONE SINGLE DAY with no judgement. No.."look that guy is driving like an idiot." but rather discern "this is not safe."   No Ugh why does my husband ALWAYS complain?" but "oh..yeah..he complains a lot." etc.

It is a subtle but huge difference. I am discovering that going from judgement to discernment is trickier than it may first appear. But when I can do it? I feel physically lighter. Honest.

Then today, I see this thread http://rachelheldevans.com/litmus-tests on facebook. An article on litmus test for Christians.

I realize that this applies to me as well. That while I am quick to recognise biases and prejudices in others..I too..have categorized what I deem appropriate for Christian behavior..and what is not.

So, for now, I continue trying to fine tune my own understanding of judgement vs. discernment. I suspect it will be a life-long process.

Ramblings on a Saturday Morning

I have come to treasure my Saturdays. Especially? The mornings. Other than an occasional Saturday here and there..Saturday mornings are when I have the house to myself!!!

Bug is usually with my sister on Saturdays. Big B and the boys are usually at Pick-N-Pull. Pick-N-Pull being car-part Heaven.  It is a HUGE scavenge yard with every car imaginable. Inevitably, Brian and at least one of the boys spend the morning climbing and digging through cars. They find various treasures for whatever cars they are currently fixing. Whatever boy is not bonding with dad in car-part nirvana..is usually at a friends house.

Today is no different. Cody and Big B are at Pick-n-Pull. Austen is at Justin's house. And me? I am piddling around the house. There are two specific things I love to do when I have the house to myself. One is clean! (Yet another reason the rest of the crew scatters on Saturday a.m.'s..no doubt)

It always amazes me just how much chaos one family can create in a house in the span of a week. Not even a whole week, really. Because most Mondays? I have the boys clean bathrooms, vacum, etc. as we get ready for community dining. So the chaos we create is in a 5 day period. But what I like..is what I discover about my family as I clean.

For instance..I can tell you Austen and Cody's favorite clothes. Why? Because they are the piles of laundry NOT left in the living room. Everyone does their own laundry around here. (Levi not included). But somehow by about mid-afternoon on Wednesday..we have clothes hanging from hangers on the mantle of the fire-place, a  folded pile of Austen's clothes on the back of the couch. A folded pile of Cody's clothes on the back of a chair. Until I move these piles of clothes to the boys' rooms on Saturday, they remain planted in our living-room turned closet. Except of course, the favourite clothes. I find it odd that only favourite clothes are either being worn or have been placed in bedrooms..safe from Levi's reach.

Then of course are the towels and napkins. We always have a stack of napkins being placed on or near the piano because..well..we use cloth napkins and have to wash them a lot. This stack reminds me that we eat well and often. I begin to realize how lucky we are.

Next would be the stack of towels. There is always a stack of towels. Why? Because we have a river and a pool in our back-yard. Both are used frequently. Once again..I am reminded of how lucky we are.

Finally..we have the clues to what La Familia is doing for fun. For instance, this morning I spent quite a bit of time putting books back in the book-shelf. Not the books the older boys are reading..because those stay next to the boys' beds..usually. Rather, I find the trail of books left by Levi. I realise he has favourites. Not the children's books that we have in a basket on the floor for him. True there are a few books he likes to chew on..and a few he will bring to you to be read...but mostly? The book basket is for Levi to climb into. You know..so he can sit in the basket and hide his really treasured toys, specifically his Fisher Price Little People Toilet and a Winnie the Pooh that is also perfect for chewing.Oh and a cookie crumb trail. When did he eat cookies in the basket? I follow the cookie-crumb trail to the other pile of books. The pile he repeatedly pulls of the bookshelf.

What I discover by replacing the books that have been strewn and dragged down the hallway. Is that the books Levi really likes (because they are always the same ones) Levi is drawn to the Harry Potter and Eragon series..along with some art books on Monet and Degas. Well hey. At least the kid has good taste.

I find myself really enjoying this time as I pick up after the kids..to discover things I don't normally take the time to notice. Does this mean I like to clean? NO WAY, but I find myself taking a really twisted sort-of pleasure in this lately. Like I am slowly unraveling clues to the inner workings of our family  life. But mostly, I just feel lucky, I guess.

But best of all is when the house is picked up and I still know I have another hour or two to myself.Leading to my number two thing to do on Saturday mornings. I have been practising instruments during this time.

Once upon a time, I was a fairly decent violinist. If you were to compare violin playing to baseball playing, it would be safe so say I had reached the level of a minor-league player. A minor-league violinist.  For a number of reasons (primarily my OCD tendencies with music) I put this aside when our family started growing. Playing only occasionally for special events or to teach lessons.

I am a good amateur pianist..and can fake guitar pretty well. I have at one time or another played french-horn, flute, cello, trumpet and a handful of other instruments.I was never great at these instruments. There is always a certain thrill in learning what creates different tones and playing with these tones when you are learning an instrument. A space for creativity within structure. No language to interfere. Pure acoustic beauty and opportunity. A chance to enter a zen space of sorts.  But music is a gift I have not cultivated much in the past decade.

So on Saturdays I enjoy the freedom from interruptions to just play and practice music. I start with the violin. Mostly reviewing some classical music..and playing around with some Irish folk tunes and stuff.  I have slowly been getting back in shape and starting to produce some decent tones again.

Then to piano. The piano is just plain fun. Lots of old Billy Joel, Rush, Journey and some occasional Chopin and Mozart.

I skip guitar because I practice guitar during the week and on Wednesday mornings with my friend, Jack. Although I occasionally spend some time on Saturdays trying to get used to bar-chords. I'm really bad at bar-chords.  But I end with what I am worst at.

My latest musical venture has been to learn the trombone. When I try to practice during the week, everyone leaves for the garage except Levi. Levi cries. I am truly awful.

I don't know why..but I seem to be getting progressively worse every week. A few weeks ago, I could at least play 3 songs on the trombone. Last week, I couldn't even play a B flat scale. But I am determined. I will practice for a decade if I have to.I want to play until I can play the Flintstones on trombone.

Then..I will be content and leave it alone. So there it is. A ridiculous rambling about how I enjoy my Saturday mornings. And I am off.

The trombone awaits. It is my turn to catch my breath, so to speak. Even if I sound like a very sick elephant!

Life at High Speed...the Highlights!

We have been without internet for a week. I was gone for a few days before that. While we have been unplugged, life has continued at high speed.

So here are a few highlights...

 We are pleased to announce the graduations of Cody and Brian Bates. Cody has completed high-school. Brian has graduated from UTAustin. Yay for both boys. I think they are happy to be done.

Cody chose to skip any formal graduation. We will have a send off party for both Cody and Elle in August.  Brian had his graduation this past weekend. We went to the one for the school of engineering. Dinner, graduation and tea.

Pictured are Austen, Brian and Angee in the parking garage just before the ceremony.  I chose this pic for two reasons. One...I like the picture. Two..it is one of the last pictures I have of Austen with dreads.

The rumor is true. Austen has cut his dreads!  It is just too darn hot. It is May. It feels like August. Austen wanted his hair-cut before he left for his new job this summer. Which leads to our next highlight.

All three boys have been      HIRED!!!!

WooHoo.

It's official Austen is now a girl-scout. Okay. Maybe not. He is life-guarding at girl-scout camp for the summer.

Cody started working at the Boys and Girls Club last month. He just came back from a 4 day Club conference at South Padre. He is hanging with the kids outside, helping with a computer class and life-guarding for the summer.

Brian is working for ???? (I don't know the name of the company. Big B took the message and doesn't remember the important things) Brian is essentially doing technical reading/writing for the summer to help cover his tuition in the Fall. Yup..he is staying at UT for grad school. He is also volunteering part-time on a 3-D structure project that he is really excited about. Brian will be staying in Austin this summer for both jobs.

Now for the little guy. Levi Thomas Bug K is now ONE!!! He had three..yes three...birthday parties. We told him to enjoy it..he will never have that many birthday parties again. He celebrated on his actual birthday at my parents house. Again on Saturday at the center where my sister lives ...and finally we celebrated during community dining. We fixed his favorite foods. Asparagus soup and sweet potato casserole. Thank you Rhonda for the casserole. Aunt Sandy made cake. One for Levi...One for everyone else.

The past few weeks have been hectic. My family (dad, sister, nephews, son) has 5 birthdays in May. We had several graduations of family friends, a Kairos weekend and some refugee family support to attend to. All which we wanted to spend time with and enjoy. So having no internet, was kind-of a blessing in disguise.

Now are internet is back. We are plugged back in to high-speed connections..but I am the only one online.

Tonight we fixed pizzas for dinner. Brian and Angee are hanging out in San Antonio for the weekend. Cody and Elle are hanging out here. Austen is working with Big B to start fixing his car. (car-parts for his birthday..previous post) Me? I'm still trying to play the trombone, working on a paint-by-number and watching a Criminal Minds marathon. Levi is with my sister for the weekend. When he returns Bug and I will just hang-out in the sand-box, the kitchen and at the pool.

It is officially summer around here, but we are starting off nice and slow!

Happy Birthday Austen

Dear Austen,                                                                   

 Today you turn 17. As I write this you are at the ranch blowing things up. Tonight we will celebrate over Dagwood sandwiches and ice-cream cake . But even with this low-key celebration. Your life has been quite the adventure. 

Your sense of humour and spontaneity keep me young. Listening to you in the kitchen with your Floggin Molly voice as you fry eggs saying  I have the luck of the Irish, the height of the Scottish and I get my good looks from the Italians is a pleasure. You bring a certain energy to our home. An energy I deeply appreciate. Yet all the silliness aside, you are growing and maturing so fast I can barely keep up.

   You have just come back from a month in the wilderness. I recognise that the transition from life as Huck Finn to life as Tom Sawyer, has been a little trickier than you had hoped. Life in the civilised world can be tough, and many decisions about the future loom ahead.

 So on this birthday I would like to share with you a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

What lies behind us

 

                                                  and what lies before us

are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

So I offer a toast to you, a young man steeped in compassion, love and kindness within.

Love always,

                      Mom

Of Strawberries, Royalty, Rabbits and Monsters

Today is May 2nd..Meaning? Yesterday was Beltane/ May Day. There are numerous traditions that surround May Day.

When my children were involved in Waldorf..this meant finding a pole to dance around. (among other things.) Some years..I jumped over a fire. In college? (this is the REALLY fun one) We had a strawberry smorgasborg. Honest to God.

Yesterday, my Mills friends were having a field-day on face-book. Reminiscing about the strawberries. You know..strawberries with chocolate. Strawberries with whipped cream. Plain old strawberries ..or for some..(ahem Cheryl) strawberries with sour cream dipped in brown sugar. All served with champagne or tea.So I choose to join them cyberly. I decide to have a strawberry smorgasborg of our own..at home.

Normally, we do not have many strawberries around. Austen is allergic. Very allergic. But he was gone and we were all full from a very nice, late lunch.

Sunday morning our church was recognising graduates. Kim and I were presented with a small prayer book (really nice..by the way) for completing the parish ministry training program. The high-school graduates (of which Cody was one) were presented with small scholarships and a prayer book for college students.

My parents and sister had come up to help us celebrate. They treated us to a late lunch at Brick's (my favourite restaurant here in the Tx. Hills). So it seemed feasible to have an impromptu strawberry dinner. (with a little cannelloni on the side)

What can I say? We (Cody and I) thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Bug and Big B humored us.

Why did I feel the need to have some sort-of tradition? Not a clue..I think it was my consolation prize for NOT Watching the Royal Wedding. You see, I am one of those that really wanted to watch it. And  while I have heard lots of commentary like  we won the revolution or why celebrate a monarchy, my response is simply.

Come on people,it's just plain fun.

No one is trying to undo history..but rather recognise it. Acknowledge it. I mean really, how many families do you know that can even trace their lineage back that far? It is so fairy-taleish (in both a romantic and nightmarish sort-of way).

Besides..being of Scotch-Irish decent..I have attended more than one Burns Night celebration where we start the evening off with a Hail to the President , Hail to the Queen and Hail to the Haggis (think Scottish menudo).Okay..maybe that's not the order of the Hails..but you get the drift. So why wouldn't I watch?

Because it was at 3 in the morning that's why.

I had all the best intentions. My alarm was set, I had a tea-pot ready. I was going to simply enjoy this rare occasion. But the reality was..Bug was not going to sleep that night. So at 2:30 when he snuggled up against me in a deep sleep? I knew I would not be watching the wedding.

My mother, however did see parts of it. Mostly watched many interviews. So as we baked 27 dozen cookies (yes it's Kairos cookie baking time) on Friday , she caught me up on what she had seen.

I kept thinking I would watch a recap or something. But alas, it was not meant to be. Because we were having guests to watch the Spurs play..and  it was time to bring the dreaded boy home.

 Yes Austen is finally home. It takes a while to pack all his stuff and haul it to our car. You know..my car that was full  of weapons! (think bow and arrows, knife, gun, etc.) Lovely, no?

Austen says his goodbyes to our friends at the ranch and informs me of all his rabbit sagas. A cow had stepped on his fishing pole that last week..and he was sick of fish. He did, however see a bull snake. (he did not eat it) and caught several more rabbits. He goes into details of how he has improved his rabbit skinning abilities..and then says...Oh..did you see the wedding?  ..and proceeds to tell me about it.

Wait.. I say. How did YOU see the wedding? He looks at me like I'm crazy. And slowly..very slowly. very clearly.(to make sure I understand him) he says on B.B.C.

That is NOT what I mean .

He knows..this. Austen laughs. It was my last day..I figured at this point, it didn't matter what I did. I watched it with Miss Brenda at the house..and (he whispers) I also ate carne guisada tacos. Lots of them. I figured if I was cheating..I might as well enjoy it.

  So after a month of survival and solitude..Austen treated himself to carne-guisada and the Royal Wedding.

I would say that was the end of our tale..but I still want to talk a bit about monsters.

My son (Brian-Scott) is being bullied. It is a very long story..and he is dealing with it in his own way..but it has been very hard to watch him try to finish his senior design project in such a hostile environment. I want to just jump in and fix it for him. But I realize I cannot. Brian is graduating in a few weeks. He is interviewing for jobs, preparing for graduate school..and instead of enjoying any of it..he is simply trying to get through the next 2 weeks. Telling himself over and over..if I can just get through the next x days I will never have to see y again.

I keep him in prayer and try to give him a listening ear. I help him as he tries to hit that fine balance of standing up for himself, but not letting himself turn into someone he does not want to be.

 Last night as I watched the news, I think of Brian's struggle to maintain boundaries while not selling out his character.  I think our nation is in a similar quandary.

Osama bin Laden is dead.

As my friend Ann said
 

Love, hope and peace to the victims of 9/11. May today help with the closure we as a nation are desperately seeking.....

 and in the words of Nietzsche 


He who fights monsters should take care that in the process he does not become one.

Dear My Beloved...

A friend of mine recently sent a link (on facebook) to a bible study she had written.

I've had some time to spend on quiet meditation, study and prayer lately..so I took some of this time to work through her study. At the end of the study, I had a letter. A letter created with an open mind and listening heart. It is what I imagine God would say to me.

(If anyone is interested in the study, e-mail me privately, I'll send you a link)

Dear my beloved Nikochan,

Embrace.

"This (my love) is my rock, and here I come...

To steal the secrets of the sun

This (my love) is my rock and here come I

To steal the secrets of the sky..." (author unkown)

The secret is open. All are welcome.."Come..just as you are to worship..."

Be (you are/I AM) the rock (love). The rock that weathers the storm/shifts in form, yet never changing at the elemental level. Always (always) surrounded by the warmth of the sun (Son) .

You have been blessed (Remember the cornerstones of your life? Belafonte, King Kong, Beatles, Private Eye Club, Rush and Traci Chapman, Fires of Wisdom, De Colores, Surely the Presence..and more to come!)

Be yourself.

Embrace My People (my human family)

And always..always..

Listen. Listen. Love. Love.

The Boys are Finding Their Rhythm.

There was a gentleman who was speaking at the prison this past weekend. He was a guest speaker from ATT. And he was talking about how there is a study where some scientists have taken peoples DNA and turned it into mathematical equations. When you plug a person's DNA equation into a computer..the computer generates a tone. I.E. We are all wired to have a certain tone.

So if we are all a tone..it only makes sense that we thrive on rhythm.

I have been thinking a lot about rhythm..the importance of some-sort of rhythm in our lives. Especially now that the boys need me NOT...so much, and Levi needs more structure. So I have taken some time these past few weeks to see what is and is not working for us (meaning me and Bug) and we have fallen into some nice patterns in our day.Part of our day. We really don't have a plan for afternoons..Just mornings and evenings . That is plenty for now. And with these patterns? Makes more predictable nap and bed times. Meaning? A much happier Bug.

And just like in a well-composed symphony. Our rhythms are fluid. They are not set in stone..but they are the foundation that holds the rest together.

In the morning:
-wake up, dress, play in the living room, Eat Breakfast
- feed the chickens
-garden
- play with books
-Bug naps, (I enjoy the quiet)
-TEA TIME (for Bug and Me) Breakfast for Cody
-explore instruments
-nap

In the late afternoon/evening:
-swim
-play on deck (in the secret garden)
-start dinner (Bug plays in his play kitchen..and loads his toys in our dishwasher, climbs in cabinets, etc.)
-bath
-dinner
-collect eggs with Uncle Brian
-get ready for bed
-BED


But Bug is not the only one developing patterns to his day. I recently received an update from Austen. And it appears that the boy has found his rhythm..during his time in the woods (or ranch). Since many have asked how/what he is doing. I thought I would share with you today.


-Wake up with the sun.
-Catch breakfast
-Cook and eat breakfast.
-lie on the ground and watch the clouds for a couple of hours
-scrounge some lunch/dinner
-afternoon adventure
-cook and eat dinner
-read
-bed with the sun-set

From what I understand..Austen's afternoon adventures..have involved lots of exploring, discovering springs, hunting for bigger game, creating a cooler that is buried in a hole in his cabin to protect his food from animals, digging for caves near sink-holes.

Austen has asked us to pick him up on Saturday so he can spend Easter with us. Yay!

Then Austen returns to his rhythm in the woods for one last week, before composing a new summer song.

WOO HOO, What a Ride!

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,but rather to skid in sideways -Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and...screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'  -author unknown

This is one of my all-time favourite quotes!

And for me, the ride has taken me to and now THROUGH the Parish Ministry Training Program for the Southwestern Texas Synod of the ELCA.

It's official. We (meaning me, Don, Kim, Mike, Everitt and Larry) are finished ..with the studying part, that is.

Next month we all have exit interviews with the director of the program and company, then another interview with the Bishop.

I have spent the past 3 years with these guys..and now? Our adventure really begins!

And so I enjoy this time. This time in-between what was and what is to come.  I came home from class Sat. night to 12 teens/young adults. playing Settlers and various other games whose names have escaped me. They were here to celebrate Cody's birthday. Making pizzas, listening to the coffee house station and just laughing, talking and catching up with each others lives. Nice.

Brian and Angee came down from Austin. And the dreaded boy came out of solitude for the evening. (He is now back in the woods, so to speak. Not to be picked up until Easter) We had the whole gang home. 'Twas very nice.

Then Sunday morning found me back at the prison. Some of the men-in-white offered to treat me to lunch. Alas, the  volunteers and one of the guards had beat them to the punch. I celebrated with my partners in crime over some-sort of hamburger, potato lunch in the cafeteria.

  A few hours later, I find myself with 39+ men in a classroom. We are short volunteers so drama and English choir share a room. The men are all trying to learn to sing and play a particular song.

  An hour later we are all still here. There is laughter. There is prayer. There is a lot of reshuffling of chairs as everyone tries to squeeze between the instruments while someone brings in a fan to get some ventilation in the room.

I sit along a wall between two of these men. One is the writer of the play. The other one of the choir members.Surrounding us are members of the drama team. We discuss the importance of using the gifts that we are given. And I am challenged to use my own gifts, as well.

There is a fiddle part to be learned. I am encouraged to help one gentleman, in particular, learn this. We agree to hammer out the tricky parts next week.

I watch the sun pour through the bars of the windows, surrounded by the voices of these men as they sing.. Each and every man in that room has memorized this song. And now they have joined together to sing in unison Set Me Free  by Casting Crowns.

And as I listen,

I know.

I know I am right where I am supposed to be. The rest of the journey is still untold but

WOO HOO, What a Ride!

18!

Yesterday Cody turned 18! We celebrated low-key. He and I and the bugboy went out for tacos for lunch. He opened some presents from extended family, and spent the evening with his girl-friend. Rumor has it that not only was it his birthday but he has been dating Ellie for a year now. So dinner with Ellie it was..followed by going to a local cafe/restaurant/club  and listening to a friend who had a gig in nearby San Antonio.

Holy Moly..who would have thought! I am so proud of the young man Cody is today.

When we first decided to homeschool for the long haul Big B and I decided we wanted 3 things for our children in adulthood. These were a strong sense of compassion, responsibility and humor.

Cody is all of these things and So. Much. More.

And WOW..what a journey it has been. For you see, when Cody was 3 he was diagnosed with PDD/NOS..a few months later HFA. A few years later he was rediagnosed Aspergers/HFA/Highly Gifted. But by that point? Who cared?

Cody had broken down his original barriers of autism. You know those books you read or movies you see (A Child Called Noah, Dibs in Search of Self, etc) where a kid goes from autistic to fully engaged adult? Well that is Cody.

Why him? We honestly can't say. At the age of 3 Cody went to PPCD where an amazing staff worked with him daily to develop speech, parallel play and an ability to walk without spinning;)

As soon as he came home from PPCD we had set up the Son-Rise program ..or lifestyle rather, at home. Did we really expect a change? No..but we wanted him to know we loved him. We wanted to catch those "green-light moments" when we could. And somehow over a few years, we got lucky.

While some of his milestones were major..I.E. speech, eye-contact, etc. Many were (and still are) much more subtle.  But the truth is Cody knows, and has always known, more than anyone else what he needs to live more fully.

We learned early that we needed to trust Cody. Sometimes this trust meant supporting him when things seemed crazy. For instance when he buried all the black-keys to the piano in the backyard? We took it in stride and buried with him. (Only to be glued back on at a later date)

The details of Cody's journey are a book in and of itself. And a few scholarly papers have been written about him. But by the age of 9 Cody was taking apart..and fixing.... computers instead of pianos. At the age of 16 he was taking apart..and fixing cars.

Cody has a gift for memorising patterns and systems in ways many cannot. At the age of 7 he referred to the elements on the periodic chart as the ingredients of the universe. Next was patent laws, then bar-code numbering, etc. Cody learns these things with a passion. Then moves onto something else when he is done.

Over the years he has studied the nuances of  conversation. Cody uses the art of questioning and dry wit to keep conversations going. He has come to realise that many of the things that fascinate him (wiring diagrams, programming codes, banking systems,etc..) are not the most intriguing topics of conversation for many of his peers.

As odd as it may seem since he still often appears painfully shy, Cody is probably the most social of all of the boys.

Today Cody is studying information systems. This skill will serve him well in a number of fields. It is a skill that is treasured by certain companies and gov't agencies..yet he chooses to study at a small liberal arts college instead of a more technically inclined school.

Why? Because he knows he needs the balance. Cody is stretching himself. Head, heart and hands. Good for Cody.

There is one song that I listen to often. I sang this to Cody at nauseum as he was growing up. I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you just how nauseating it is.

Whenever I here it I still think of Cody. John, I love you.  by Sinaed O'Connor is Cody's song in my mind. (just replace John..)

The refrain is what gets me. The lyrics are simple...

There's life outside your mother's garden
There's life beyond your wildest dreams
There hasn't been any explosion
We're not spinning like Dorothy
If you look now then you'll see why
Don't be afraid to cry
This time don't let yourself fly
Child
Pick up those dancing shoes
Kick off those wedding blues
These are the ways
You can choose....

Cody is 18 now.

And while they may be disguised as flip-flops, Cody has chosen to pick up his dancing shoes.

The Trial Weekend!

Austen is back!!!

For a day or two...(maybe three). This past weekend Austen left for a weekend trial of his month of survival and solitude.

We had agreed that at the end of the weekend he had three options.
1)Stay on until the end of April.
2) Come home.
3) Figure out what he does and doesn't need and re-prepare (catch his breath) for a day or two at home, before returning until the end of April.

Austen has chosen option 3. I asked him if he was sure ..he gave some specific reasons but most important was..you know..I'm a little hungry. Actually...I'm starving!

But he remembered his manners. Austen and his friend Mason (whose ranch this is) took us on a l-o-n-g...drive to what is now being referred to as Austen's house. 

 We discover that starving  was not really the concern. But wild-hogs? They were a concern.

 If you look closely at the door, you will notice that it's just propped up. Not wild-animal proof.

So tomorrow, Austen and Mason are fixing the door so it actually closes..you know..just in case a hog wants in.

Cody and his girlfriend Ellie come with me to pick up that Austen kid. Mason and Austen show us the lake (now puddle) where Austen caught a bass. They offer us rabbit jerkey that they smoked over the weekend..after they ate a rabbit. And yes..that is a THEY. Because apparently solitude does not include Mason. Mason is Austen's life-line. Mason sleeps with his walkie-talkies next to his bed. (In case Austen needs him) Austen checks in with him twice a day to let him know he is alive. And? Austen and Mason splurged on roasted rabbit and a late night conversation together, before Austen's return to solitude.

The rest of us? not allowed.

Austen quickly adapts to civilisation. He requests tacos on the drive home. Oh my...one chimi-changa, 1 bean and cheese taco and 2 beef fajitas. He wasn't kidding! He was hungry. Apparently one fish and a rabbit are not sufficient for 3 days in the woods. Hmm...Austen announces he is bringing a tomato plant with him when he returns.

We listen to Flogging Molly and Teddy Bears in the car. Then Austen takes off to hang with some friends..because really..he is a pretty darn social kid.

Today Austen is thoroughly enjoying the luxuries of the modern world..tomorrow, back to the ranch to repair a door. Austen feels he is now better prepared.


So in a few days?


The adventure really begins...

Bandito Update

Yesterday, at Grandma's request, Grandpa managed to get a photo of all the Banditos!  Thought it would be a good time to give a quick (super-quick..like bullet-point) update on each.

Bandito numero uno aka Brian-Scott or Brian the Lion (first on left..with the sunglasses on his head!):


  The kiddo is about to graduate!! This May Brian-Scott graduates from UT Austin with a BA in E.E. 

   Plans? Find a job/internship for summer..return to UTAustin for graduate school. He is staying in the same apartment and everything;)

  For now Brian continues work with his senior design team on a really awesome project. But the stress-level for the team has been off-the-charts!

Spring Break came at a good time.

Bandito numero dos aka Cody, Odio or Colt. (second from left holding/ throwing(?) numero cinco)

   The kiddo is about to graduate! This May Cody's life as a homeschooler will be officially over. 

There is a rumor we will have some-sort of homeschool graduation something or other. I really need to get with the other parents and work out logistics! 

Also? Cody is about to have his 18th birthday! (gasp). Once again, we have no plans at this point. It has been very difficult to get any feedback from Odio on what he would like to do. Cody has never been big on celebrating birthdays.

Odio plans to work..somewhere..this summer and start at Schreiner University in the Fall to study information systems. 

For now Cody continues to review some pre-cal, read some British Lit and is applying for numerous scholarships. Because while between federal aid, merit scholarship, work-study and parents he has covered tuition, books and room. Odio still must figure out a way to pay for his meal card (which is required for Freshmen). Odio is trying to avoid taking out a loan. But that is a back-up.After all, the kids gotta eat!

Bandito  numero tres aka Austen or Austen Poston from Boston. No..he's never been to Boston..just has a mother who creates ridiculous rhymes. (second from right..the dreaded boy)

   The kiddo is NOT about to graduate!  Austen is, however, about to spend a month living off the land ..almost..he has a 1/2 built cabin from the 1800's to sleep in. Austen leaves in two weeks for his month of solitude and survival at a friend's ranch. Originally we had planned for Austen to do this in May..but see graduations above. Hence..the bump to April. Besides Austen, too, will be looking for a summer job. So actually being available to work in the summer would be helpful in the job-hunting department. Also? Austen needs to spend May getting himself logistically in gear to attend St. Phillip's Culinary Arts program (dual-credit) in the Fall.

But back to Austen's month of silence and survivial. He will check in with our friends (walkie talkies!) twice a day so we know he is okay. 

My little Thoreau  (or Mountain Man? Grizzly Adams?) is spending a trial weekend this weekend. Please hold him in your thoughts/ prayers, etc. over this next month. It is something he feels he really needs to do. I take a deep breathe and trust that he will be okay. Austen has been planning this for over a year. He will be armed with his bow and arrows (which he has been practicing daily for quite some time now) and a 22 for small game and predators. (think..lions, and tigers and bears! Okay. Okay..maybe just mountain lions and wild hogs..We are hoping the noise will scare them off!)..and yes..a few other things..including his first aid kit.

Bandito numero quatro aka Calvin or Calvin Alvin..because his Aunt happens to be  Austen's horrible name rhyming mother. (pictured 1st on right)

Calvin just came back from a mini staycation downtown S.A. He had a blast! Now he is finishing up his sophomore year in high-school. Calvin has applied for a culinary arts program at the local high-school Now he waits to see what happens. If he doesn't get in, he has several electives in mind for a back-up.

Finally we come to Bandito numero cinco aka Levi, Bug, Bug-a-lug...same Aunt as Calvin... and Wilson.

Levi has learned to respond to all the names above. For 10 months? I find that pretty-darn impressive. More exciting,  Levi just had his baptism this past Sunday. Below Bug is pictured with Pastor Sandra after the service.

Priceless!

Why I Go To Prison..(and a little rambling about the human condition)

It is almost noon on a Saturday afternoon. Big B and the boys are working in the back yard trying to set up a pool.  Bug is with my sister. I am dressed in my jeans, long-sleeve shirt and flip-flops. I am spending the day catching up on laundry and study.

3 books to read, a couple papers to write and I am set for my parish ministry training class next weekend. (sigh) I am SO not an academician. More a hit the ground running kind-of person. But I have grown up in academia..I know how to play the game..and I do love learning. Just not formal study, per-se.

I think this need to meet people where they are at is what has drawn me to ministry. To partner with people.

I think my friend Don said it best.

Don is a fellow PMTP student and serves at an asst. minister in small-town Tx. Don and I met shortly after a week in which he had served in three funerals and was preparing for one more. Two of these were involving children. In other words..it had been a heart breaking week.

But Don? He just looked at me and said You know Nicole, I went into ministry because I wanted to be noble. What I have found is that instead, I spend most of my time just showing up. Holding hands. Praying...and crying.(pause)I do an awful lot of crying. Then he looked at me straight in the eyes and said..But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I hope to be like Don.

But I am getting distracted... The point is, tomorrow I return to prison!

For the past year I have been slowly increasing my involvement as a volunteer through the chaplaincy program at a local medium-security men's prison. At first I went for a Kairos weekend...just to help from outside and one afternoon inside to attend a closing ceremony. Then..well...once you see a need....

Now? I'm hooked! I love to go to prison. Why? Because it keeps me grounded. It reminds me what it's all about.It is a place that moves me to listen, to laugh, to listen, to pray, to listen, to cry and to listen for that still small voice.

So I continue to study..and plug through various theology because the guys on the inside? Keep me motivated.

I have been doing some soul searching to see why I am drawn to this environment. I realize that it is because prison is a small microcosm of the human condition in general.Just easier to identify.

I see men, who do not know how to trust. I see men who view those around them as predators, learn to trust. And as they learn to trust, they learn to respond instead of react. I see these men slowly reach out to those they most fear. I see these men reach beyond limitations that are impossible to imagine. And this transformation I see..then transforms me. These men minister to me.

These men force me to look at my own biases, privileges, stereo-types. They help me embrace the goodness in humanity in the midst of total chaos. They help me realize that many of the conflicts and divisions in the free world are simply ripples of the same fears they face on the inside.

For instance..just this past week. On the first day of Lent actually. I found myself getting very defensive. I didn't start out that way...

Lent has always been a special time for me. I enjoy it because it is a time of reflecting on what it means to sacrifice for others. A time to remember what Christianity is all about. I often give up something for lent..to remember that I am imperfect. (I have this delusion, at times, that I am). To pull myself out of my comfort zone. (I.E..I am cutting out coffee for lent..) to remember to not get in a rut. To take risks. Mostly? To know that I can take risks because I can trust. Because just like my brothers- in -white, I too, must remember to trust. And sometimes? Trust is a hard thing.

And the giving up of coffee? Is an outward act, to remind me of the inward stuff that I want to work on.

Now, that said. I know Lent is not for everyone.

I have a son who is agnostic, a son who is atheist. I have many dear friends and family members  of other faiths or non-belief.  But Lent is special to me..but when I click on my facebook.

My, oh my..the lent-bashing is rampant!..and I start to get defensive. I know that those who are lent- bashing are reacting out of their own defenses.They are not intending to bash..but rather having fun with what appears down-right silly. Some of this is done out of their own hurts from those in the religious communities. I remind myself...it's not personal.  I turn off the computer.

Later that same day, I uhmm..turn the computer back on. I see a post on same-sex unions

 I am glad to see some support for those in same-sex relationships But as I scroll down, as often happens..organized religion..or people of faith are blamed for the lack of civil rights for same-sex partners. I think of all my friends and family of faith..who have worked hard to fight for civil rights for ALL people. I think of my many homosexual friends who are strong in their faith of choice...And I react (not respond), publicly..on facebook.

Later,  privately in a message to a dear friend..I try to shift the blame of this lack of civil rights to a certain political party..and then I realize what I have done. I have let myself get defensive and react...and in turn attack another group.

I have let myself get caught in that human tendency of reacting and finger-pointing when I am defensive or feel life is not fair.(Which it still is not, for my friends in same-sex relationships).

But the truth is..no one is exempt. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Zoroastrian, Wiccan, Atheist, Agnostic..the list goes on. No one is exempt from biases and prejudices. No matter how hard we try. It is part of the human condition to try to put people in groups..or stereo-types in order to understand things.This is not an excuse for ignorance. It does not mean we don't look at our own biases and work hard to move beyond them. As my dear friend, Heran, once said Ignorance can only be excused so far.

But it is also the human condition to forgive, to reach out, to move on and to truly celebrate each other in all our uniqueness.

So this is what I am reminded of in prison. We all screw up. We all make mistakes..and life is not fair. But you make the best of it, and you enjoy your fellow humans anyway.

For instance..at this point in time, the State of Texas..in all their wisdom, are proposing ridiculous budget cuts to the Texas Criminal Justice Systems. Off the top of my head..I can tell you that proposals are running to cut breakfasts, chaplaincy, re-entry programs..and to increase the number of early-releases of Tx. offenders to make room for offenders from Arkansas. It is pure craziness.

But my brothers in white? They take it in stride. They are not happy about all of these changes. They are worried. They are scared. Yet they encourage each other..individually and as a group, to not play the victim. To keep their lives straight..to appreciate and enjoy those around them, despite the fact that life is not fair.

And as I watch them in action I am, once again, humbled.

So apologies to my friends I have offended or made uncomfortable this past week. I am working on my reactions..I am learning to respond. And I truly care for each of you.

But now I am off. Because the goodness in humanity is coming disguised as a few families in cars. These families are showing up to help Big B and the boys with their "pool party". (I.E....lots of digging). One family brings some cantaloupe and oranges.. and one nice guy brought me a trombone!!!!

Ha ha! Now I can celebrate humanity New Orleans Style!

uhmm...after I write my paper...you know..so I can be like Don.